theunpressuredclub | (no subject)

Entry tags:

rp,
with: edgar

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Moments of peace are so rare for her, these days, so she cherishes them when she can have them. Just being able to curl up with a book in the privacy of one's own room is so much more of a gift than people realize. That's why it takes her a few moments to note the quiet, familiar knocking on her door.

When she does, though, she can't help but smile, because that's obviously Edgar on the other side of the door, and it's always so very nice to see him.

"Come in!"

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She'll settle easily into the hug, head burying into his chest contentedly for a moment before she shakes her head.

"No, 'm not busy. What's up?"

Because he's hugging her like there might be something wrong.

She fits so perfectly against him. The world makes so much more sense with her in his arms.

It's still difficult to smile as he lifts one hand to brush back a few loose strands of hair from his cheek. "Just... wanted to talk. About us."

Even if 'us' was a loose construct. A friendship. A maybe-someday.

"About us?"

There's a soft touch of surprise in her voice. She can't help the momentary thrill that shoots up her spine at his words-- because 'us' seemed to mean a little more, in the moment, than it had before. Her gaze is tentative but receptive when she looks up more properly at him.

"What about us?"

It hadn't been easy understanding what was best while standing with Elliot. It's oddly harder to understand it now, when all he wants is to pretend things can stay just like this forever. When the passive hurt of loving her from a distance won't be replaced with the active hurt of having her reject their half-plan.

But they can't both be entirely off the mark, right? They can't both love her as much as they do and not have a guess at what will help her, surely?

"...it's... I mean, 'm pretty sure it's not actually a secret how much, I-- care about you, yeah?"

It's a conversation she's simultaneously been dying to have and yet, at the same time is now so worried about having. She'd not expected to fall into what she had with Elliot-- was worried now about what it might mean when her heart cleaves to Edgar as well.

And now he's here, starting the conversation that he is, and she isn't sure where it's going to go. Doesn't know if she's going to have to choose and, if so, who.

There's a faint curl of a smile on her lips nonetheless at she looks up at him properly, "Not-- really, no."

"And I... think you care about me. The-- the same way I care about you."

Which is distinct from the way they already admit to caring for each other. Which is beyond the bonds of the close friendship they have and into the realm of that terrifying word people their age either throw around too often or never say at all.

"And--" His throat catches only briefly. His smile gets only a hair shakier. "--and I know you-- also care about-- about Elliot, yeah?"

She's fairly certain, once it becomes so much clearer that he is talking about the kind of caring she thinks he is, that her heart stops. It's only barely started again when he mentions Elliot.

There's a shakiness in her expression as she holds his gaze.

"I-- didn't think you knew."

About how she felt about him. About how she felt about Elliot.

He just wants to fix that expression. He just wants to snap his fingers and have this entire mess settled into something reasonable.

Smoothing her cheek with his thumb is nowhere close, but it's the best he can do for now.

"The... two of us talked."

It helps. She leans into the gentle touch, manages a more solid smile, albeit a worried one.

"You-- did?" It's clear she's surprised, "I don't-- have to patch either of you up, do I?"

It wasn't that kind of talk?

"...no. Wasn't like that."

But it helps that she knows them both so well. It helps that she's still leaning into his touch. It helps that she's still here and not shutting down this conversation.

"We-- we both just-- want you to be happy, Rach. We want-- for you to have exactly what... exactly what it is you need."

She's clearly relieved when he says their conversation hadn't led to them coming to blows-- but it just makes her all the more confused. She shifts to press a kiss against his palm, eyes still meeting his gaze steadily.

"I just-- need th'both of you, mm?"

And if it was only like this-- in the awkward slightly painful and entirely delicate balance it was now, she could accept that over having them both at odds with one another or her.

The press of her lips to his palm is all he wants. The simplicity of being this close and quiet. The comfort of not feeling like he has to hide how much he cares about her.

"...then you... should have that."

As much as it would always hurt a little. As much as it would be complicated and take real effort to make work.

"We-- love you."

"And-- I love you both, so much."

There's relief in being able to say it aloud at last. There's pain and confusion in knowing how much she means it for the both of them.

"And I don't-- want to hurt either of you by--"

By choosing. By kissing one and not the other as she is now. By making it seem like she loves one more than the other when in reality they are both loved at equal, if somewhat different, levels.

"Then don't." The kiss he presses to her forehead is firm. The smile on his lips is weak, but absolutely in place as he leans back again. "Don't... choose or... hide things. Just... love us, and... let us love you."

Without worrying about the hurt. Without worrying about not being able to fully have what she needed.

"We'll be all right if we're making you happy."

She'll be clearly surprised as she looks up at him again, uncertain that she's processing the words as he means her to.

"'s-- That's what th'two of you said? When y'talked?"

"I-- mean. In so many words." His nose wrinkles briefly, shoulders lifting with a listless sort of apology. "We're... working on this-- talking thing."

Are very, very far off from the place they used to be.

And yet the fact they're working on things at all is so very reassuring.

"...But-- th'two of you wouldn' mind? 'f I-- loved you both?"

And, more to the point, properly showed it?

"...we're going to work on it."

As on everything. There would be stops and starts. There might even be sharp moments, painful fights.

But they'll make it work. Eventually. For her.

They're going to work on it. She's grateful for the fact. It has her smiling, a moment, before another thought occurs to her and it dims a bit.

"I don't-- want t'be selfish."

And isn't it, thinking she can love them both the way she wants to?

The smile makes it worth it. The smile also fades far too quickly. It breaks his heart a little to see it dim.

"...it'd be... way more selfish to... ask you to choose, don't you think?"

"--Just seems like it's-- not right of me. Y're both-- such good people."

She feels so wholly undeserving of being able to love and be loved by both of them.

"...Rach."

And he can't stop himself from pressing a kiss to her forehead. To her cheek. To her temple and her brow and the corner of her lips. Can't keep himself from trying to bridge this gap in a way he still doesn't fully understand.

"If it's... not what you want," and the words are easier when they're interspersed with delicate kisses to her face, "then... it's not. But if it... if it is, Rach, if... this will make the world a little... easier to bear, please-- please let us be this for you."

The formerly dimmed smile on her face brightens a little more with every press of his lips against her skin, her eyes never leaving his face as she takes in the words. There's a brief little nod, before she halts a moment, tilts her head thoughtfully, and then leans in to press a careful kiss against his lips.

That's surely enough of an agreement, isn't it?

It's enough to stop his heart for a moment. It's enough to send a wonderful shock through his system, tense his arms into pulling her closer, catch his breath in his throat and twist his lips up into a smile as they press back against hers.

And then follow hers slightly, unwilling to break the kiss.

As he prolongs the kiss, she allows herself to be drawn closer, a hand shifting up to his shoulder, then around to cup the back of his neck.

It's not like kissing Elliot. She isn't quite sure what the difference is, but comparing kissing Edgar to kissing Elliot is like comparing fire and ice. There's not enough basis for comparison; there's only the act itself.

And just like she loves them both, equally but slightly differently, she loves both of their kisses in the same way.

He's never kissed anyone he cared this much about before. He's never been in love with anyone but her, after all.

It's wonderful. It's something he doesn't have a proper metric for. It's strange to think he'd managed to live so long without this.

Only breathing gets him to pull back a hair, nose bumping against hers in the concerted effort to stay close.

Her nose nudges back against his affectionately, the smile firm and bright on her face in a way it hasn't been for some time.

"--Thank you."

It's beautiful. It's exactly what he's wanted to see on her face for ages now.

This will still take getting used to, surely, but it's worth it if this is the result.

"Thank you, Rachel."

It'll take a lot more talking than there already has been. A lot more hashing out of things between all three of them.

But it's worth it, if she can love the both of them as she wants to.

The thought has her leaning in to kiss him again, murmuring another "I love you" as she does so.

It's not how he imagined their first kiss. It doesn't matter. What matters is that she's here in his arms, and it's safe to kiss her and whisper soft 'I love you's against her lips.

There's the tiniest nip as a thought occurs to him. "We-- don't have to... explain to Drew, do we?"

She shakes her head, fingers carding absently in his hair at the query.

"We'll-- let's get it-- sorted out between th'three of us first, mm? Then we can-- think about explaining it, 'f we want to."

"Good."

Good because it will make things that much easier to bear. Good because it will make it that much easier to feel Andrew and Argine supporting them.

Good because it means he can go back to kissing her now.

All of those are good things. All of those-- but particularly the last one-- have her smiling.

There'll be time to talk later. For now, she's perfectly happy to kiss him back.

NO THEY COULD HAVE HAD IT ALL WHY IS CANON SO SAD

BECAUSE BOTH OUR MIDDLE NAMES ARE "HIDEOUS HEARTBREAK"?

... /sob

/snuggle?

All them. And all the happiness in the future for them. B|

yessss :3

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