i confess i confess [glowverse]

[theunpressuredclub]

 Her shoulder had healed up well enough, although there would be some ugly scarring that would remain. The conversation with Lorraine, while not progressing much further that night, had opened up the door to equally careful conversations-- to a deep amount of thought, on Rachel's part.

Curled up beside Edgar now, his lips pressing softly against the cloth over her healed shoulder as they snuggle on the couch, she finds the words slipping out of their own accord. Doesn't doing anything to stop them, because she's finally started to recognize that maybe it's time to let it go.

"I know Drew-- thinks it's Papa," she murmurs, quite suddenly, "And it-- it is, sometimes. But it's usually... The bad ones, Ed, it's-- it's not him that does it. It's..."

And she can't quite work up the strength to actually name who it is, just yet. She needs to shift, settle more properly into his arms and tuck her head against his chest so she doesn't have to see the expression on his face.

Comments

[ofthecubs]

There's been a change. There's been a marked difference since the night they'd had a quiet dinner with a sling on Rachel's shoulder and a shadow on Lorraine's features. It's been difficult, holding himself down and back while Rachel's been so quiet.

It's meant less time with his father. It's meant more time with his mother's fingers tight on his shoulder helping him focus on what helps and what hurts. It's meant a lot of being quiet and present and full of an open trust in a process he didn't fully understand.

It's a work in progress, still. Rachel's soft words now do have tension pulling tight through him, fingers tensing unconsciously in her arm before he can force a few quiet breaths. Anger isn't the right emotion now. Anger can come later, with Andrew, with his mother; not with her.

"...it's someone else?"

[theunpressuredclub]

She nods against his chest, needing a couple more moments to breathe before she says it. When she does, there's an unhappy tension in her shoulders.

"My... My-- Uncle Shea. I-in the-- the Spades."

And she can't help but curl a little more in on herself as she fully anticipates an explosion of emotion from the young man.

[ofthecubs]

"That's--"

She's already flinching. She's already full of that tension she gets filled with when he yells; tension he's come to understand is exactly the tension that comes when preparing for a blow to land.

She doesn't need that. She doesn't need to feel unsafe now when she's finally opened a piece of herself that's raw and scared and uncertain.

There's a low frustrate sound in his throat as he curls himself tighter around her, presses his face down properly against the join between her neck and her shoulder.

It takes a few deep breaths before he can begin to find words that aren't angry. "...that's... not okay, Rach."

[theunpressuredclub]

It helps, just a little, that he's curling in closer instead of pulling away or starting to yell. It helps that his words aren't tinged with rage, even if he's clearly upset.

"He-- he s-said he was-- going t'help," she murmurs against his chest, "That he was g-going t'train me. I didn't realize--"

She didn't realize how bad it was. How little Shea's work was about helping the next generation of the Deck; how much more it was devoted to spreading hurt.

"An' now I-- can't stop because 'f I do it'll be-- really bad for-- everyone. H-he doesn't-- like it, when p-people stop showing up."

[ofthecubs]

Of course she hadn't realized. Of course, smart and loving and trusting as she is, she had gotten in over her head with basic faith in other people. Of course it isn't her fault she feels that there's no way out.

He needs to keep focusing back on that. He needs to keep coming back to the fact she's trying to make sense of this whole thing too.

"Then-- Then it all should-- stop, right? Not-- Not just-- Not just for you, Rach. For-- everyone."

[theunpressuredclub]

"B-but how, Ed?" she queries, voice cracking just a little, "It-- goes all th'way up to-- Queen Medea. An' there's-- so many of us and-- not enough people to care."

That's part of what made it so easy for Shea to do this, after all. So many of the young men and women he was targeting were ones who didn't have any sort of support network to tug them out of the darkness.

[ofthecubs]

"So maybe it's not-- enough people caring. Maybe-- maybe it's just-- the right people caring."

Which hurts to admit, yes, but which might be the right tack to approach it. It's a first draft of a thought, yes, but surely the attempt at a plan is better than giving in to the sense of being completely overwhelmed by the problem.

"She's not the only Queen in the Deck. And-- it's not even just her Suit it's impacting."

[theunpressuredclub]

"But it's-- her."

And she's overwhelmingly powerful, still. It's entirely terrifying to even think of standing up against someone who seems so able to crush her and the people she cares about.

"An'-- it's just me, from-- another Suit."

[ofthecubs]

He can't help pulling back now. He doesn't pull back far, but he needs to see her face to understand that she's entirely genuine in this assessment of herself.

"Just you?"

It's impossible for him to genuinely comprehend her being anything to be qualified with a 'just.'

[theunpressuredclub]

Looking up at him has her fretful, uncertain. She does, after all, believe herself to only deserve the 'just.'

"Y-yeah, Ed."

It's clear she doesn't really understand his need for clarification.

[ofthecubs]

He's gotten better, at least, at knowing how to moderate his frustration with this. He's gotten much better at counting to ten and breathing through the confusion that she doesn't feel the way he does: that she's most likely the center of the entire universe.

"...no one... no one's just them, Rach. Especially-- not you."

[theunpressuredclub]

It's difficult to grasp-- at least in connection with the way he thinks about her. It's something that is taking time for her to properly understand.

It has her sighing softly as she lets her head drop back down again to rest against his shoulder. It's not quite an acceptance, but at least she's not rejecting it, either.

"Doesn'... change the fact that I'm th'only one not a Spade-- involved in this," she says after a few moments, "D'you really think anyone 's really gonna care about what's happening to-- some really unfortunate Spades kids and a really stupid Clubs?"

[ofthecubs]

Non-rejection works well enough. Non-rejection is all he can expect for the moment, so he'll breathe into it and curl her back in tight against himself.

"Do they deserve this?"

It's a simple sort of question, maybe. It's one he has a strong feeling about--and one he suspects she has an easier, stronger feeling about than about herself.

[theunpressuredclub]

The shake of her head is absolute instant, firm in its resolve.

"Of course not. So many of them are-- just kids or-- people who don't have-- anyone else who cares if they get-- stuck in this sort of thing."

[ofthecubs]

"You care. You-- care if they get stuck. Right?"

He's not at all as subtle as his mother is with this sort of thing. He's probably never going to be. He's doing what he can with what he has.

"I care. If-- Andrew knew, or Argine knew-- if Mom knew-- they'd care."

[theunpressuredclub]

She has to nod at that, admit it to be truth. It still won't stop her from sighing again.

"It's still-- us against her."

And all of the dangerous might Medea holds.

...I forget everyone who isn't Sean, Medea or Ophelia. :<

[ofthecubs]

The Spades have taken a much harder tack in the changing times than all the rest of the Suits. There's no denying that the idea of taking a stand against Medea is a terrifying idea; the sort of thing people throw their morals to the wind to avoid.

"Our Queen would care." He's fully convicted in it. He's beyond convinced of it. "Our King would, too. And-- even without their own children, I-- I have to believe that the Hearts and the Diamonds would be on our side in this."

There was Horatio before Lindsey in Diamonds. I don't think we did the rest of that gen of royals :|

[theunpressuredclub]

"I-- I don't know, Ed."

And that, perhaps, is one of the worse aspects of this entire situation: That her faith in others has been so drastically shaken by all that she's been forced to experience.

"D'you-- really think?"

We should probably name them for reboot purposes. :|a

[ofthecubs]

"I do." He shifts slightly, pressing a firm kiss against her temple. "I know there's-- a lot we can't fight, Rach, but-- this isn't something that should be protected by tradition."

Particularly not at an institutional level.

Indeed we should. Hmhmhm ::|a

[theunpressuredclub]

The gentle kiss has her resurfacing from where she's buried in his chest. Has her pressing her forehead against his to try to meet his eyes.

It takes a breath before she's able to admit it.

"Y-yeah. You're... you're right."

This isn't something that should go on.

I'll take Clubs if you take Hearts. :|a

[ofthecubs]

There can't help but be nervousness in him for this. His forehead presses hard against hers; his eyes flick between hers, searching and adoring and not yet certain she's truly on board.

"It won't be easy. And it-- it will be risky. But you won't have to do it alone."

A sound plan :|a

[theunpressuredclub]

"I just d-don't want more people to get h-hurt," she answers, voice cracking just a little with pain. There aren't tears in her eyes yet, but there's is a look of overwhelmed ache in them.

"It's... it's so bad already, Ed, having to--"

Having to experience it, yes. But more than that, having to watch-- having to see people she'd come to care for suffer and feel so entirely able to do anything to fix it.

Arthur Perkins and Margaret Lacoste. :|a Plus also I feel like we don't have J & A whoops. :|a

[ofthecubs]

"We're going to fight back."

He needs to bite back the hurt, yes. He needs to temper his desire to shout and shake. It's important; it's letting her feel safe enough to consider this, after all.

"It won't keep happening."

...I will get back to that but a) was Arthur Perkins intentional. I've read an arthuriana with that.

[theunpressuredclub]

[ooc: b) I'm on mobile and typed "theunpressuredCUB" instead of CLUB and had emotes.]

"--Promise, Ed?"

She believes in him just enough to believe it if he promises.

I CAN USE THAT NAME AS MANY TIMES AS I WANT. B| also whyyy my heart ;;

[ofthecubs]

It's not a promise he should make, of course. It's the sort of promise that might go wrong; the sort of promise that might fall apart in any number of ways.

But he believes in himself. He believes in the Deck. He believes in the men and women he loves.

The nod of his head is firm. "I promise."

OH RIGHT THAT WAS YOU I THOUGHT IT WAS FROM A BOOK but also yes bbs ;w;

[theunpressuredclub]

She shouldn't believe him. She isn't certain she does, honestly. But she nods in response to his words regardless and nudges her nose against his a little desperately.

"A-all right."

I AM PRETTY PREDICTABLE REALLY. and i can't. /o\

[ofthecubs]

"We're going to fix this."

She has to believe it. He has to believe it too. They have to breathe it in as the truth, noses bumping together and breath mingling in the quiet of these safe rooms.

I LOVE YOU ANYWAYS it is much feels /o\

[theunpressuredclub]

"All right," she repeats.

She'll get to believing it. She's already starting to.

At the moment, though, she's finding it much more important that she seek out his lips with hers, murmurs the words reverently against them.

"I love you."

PERFECT /o\ why so much all the time ;;

[ofthecubs]

There's always something of a relief when she whispers that against his lips. There's always a better lift to his smile, even on nervous and exhausted days like this one.

"I love you-- so much, Rach."

It was destiny, yes, but that hasn't made it any less real.

so much and so many ;w;

[theunpressuredclub]

"More'n anything, mon lion."

It's what helps her take these steps forward like this, slowly but surely.

let's just have nice things /o\

[ofthecubs]

"And nothing's ever going to change it. Nothing at all."

She has to know that that's real as well. She has to believe that as deeply as she believes they're going to make things change.

we will get there /o\

[theunpressuredclub]

"I know."

This she trusts a little more, honestly. She believes in him-- in the glow that brought them more properly together.